Monday, May 4, 2015

Numbing Myself

 (Dad and I, exhausted after D-Day (Diagnosis Day))

A lot has happened to me in the last three weeks.

I went from an ambitious nursing student with goals of specializing in Pediatric Endocrinology- to a cancer patient.

I went from a Type One Diabetic still overwhelmed with the enormity of a chronic disease- to a Type One cancer patient. 

I went from a 19 year old with big exciting plans on life- to a cancer patient stripped of my own ideas.

These are the realities I am trying to wrap my mind around. I have people constantly asking, "How are you?", "You doing okay?", "How are you holding up?". Honestly, I don't really know. I'm trapped in a blur of a new reality. A new battle that has erupted and blindsided me in the middle of my journey as a college student. 

It's hard to process this all. It's hard to accept that I'm only 19 and don't feel anything near ready to tackle another ominous disease such as cancer; let alone a cancer that demands a year of Chemotherapy. A year. Thoughts of where I could be in the Nursing program haunt me when I try  thinking ahead. 

So how am I coping? How do I even make sense of it all? How do I make sense of Ewing Sarcoma, or chemotherapy, or the replacement of my shoulder after the fight with cancer?

Well I have found the key to it all is to numb myself to myself. 

Numbing myself occurs when I stop myself from thinking ahead. When I prevent myself from panicking about the terror of the unknown. . . the endless possibilities and pathways this journey could go. I tend to do that a lot, think ahead, process, prepare. Yet God has promised only enough grace for today . . . not tomorrow, not next week, month, or year! Only today. 

Also, I have found that to numb myself- I have to "infuse" myself with Scripture. If you haven't had the opportunity to truly enjoy the riches of God's Word than you may be completely lost here. So what do I mean. When you have a personal relationship with the God of the Universe, you are given the discernment and understanding to be completely immersed in the comfort that it provides. I have found that the Bible has been more real to me now than ever before. Beyond a doubt II Corinthians has spoken to me the most! The reason for the depths of II Corinthians is the truth that God comforts us in our greatest tribulation, so that we can comfort others- with His comfort!

If you didn't quite get that- here's the simplified edition. ;)

I want to use this terrible, overwhelming, confusing, difficult and ominous diagnosis of Ewing Sarcoma to do one thing- be able to minister to others around me.

Everybody relates to cancer. And the worst thing that I could do is squander this opportunity God has given me- in my own grief and pain.

Now am I grieving? Totally. Am I hurting? Completely. Am I going to hurt more? Positively. 

But here's the focus, I am given the chance that very few get. An opportunity to reach out to others that are grieving and hurting- and to show them the comfort that God can only instill. 

Thank you so much for all your prayers and amazing support! I look for this year to be extremely difficult, but I couldn't have a better support group, or more powerful God!

Love to all! Will post again soon, hopefully! 


  1. WOW! What a testimony; what wisdom from one so young! You shame be because I don't believe I would be dealing with this so well, so soon after hearing this terrible news. I know God will use you in a mighty way Caleb and bless you through this. My prayers are with you as a member of Charity Baptist Church in Huntington, IN.

  2. I am thankful for your testimony in Whom your strength is in and the support of so many family, friends, and people who will pray for you that you will never know. I also appreciate your honest feeling of being of my favorite comments in a book written by Elizabeth Elliot was to do the next right thing whether you feel like it or not. I to have had health battles for 27 years.............mountains and is tremendous to look back and see how God worked things out. Our hearts and prayers go out to you and your family.................people are praying for you that you will never know. Love in Christ to you all. The Markleys

  3. Great testimony Caleb! God will use you. I continue to pray and ask God to do great and mighty things! Jeremiah 33 : 3

  4. Please help Caleb and his family with their incredible financial burden. Thank you so very much. Aunt Jenny

  5. Caleb, you were young when I was full time at Camp Joy. I'm sorry for the loss of expectations that you are now experiencing, and I'm sorry for the pain to come. You are right though, that God's grace is for each moment. I just recently posted about this fact in the blog about my son. Maybe it would encourage you to read some of the posts. Be strong, but know that you will be weak, and in those time as in all times, God is your strength. Please tell your parents that I will be praying for you all. I was Stephanie Savage when I worked at Camp Joy in case you all do not remember me.

  6. You and your family are in my prayers! (Deut. 33:27)

  7. The devil wants to take control we won't let that happen
    lost my daughter 3 months ago
    age 21 car accident
    she was so good and dive Ness of God was in her heart
    I have to save my soul from the evil one I miss her so bad
    love each other be with each other
    chemo kills all the good cells
    have you looked up a doctor borzynski.. believe in Texas
    He does cancer treatment non conventional but has cured alot of people
    I will pray for you and God to comfort you

  8. When my husband was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, I felt myself coming unglued. A friend said, "You've got to lean on the promises of Scripture." That sounded right but I honestly didn't know how so I prayed about that. Then I felt compelled to copy and paste Scripture passages to pop onto my cellphone screen every while and when they did, I'd stop to read them and think about them and speak to the Lord about them. This brought an undescribable calm to my spirit. My husband has been cancer-free for some time now, for which I'm very thankful, but I'll always remember what the Lord taught me about "leaning on the promises of Scripture", for surely more trials are ahead. For every person, the mechanics of how we get those Scriptures in our hearts and minds will differ, but for everyone, they are The Shelter in the time of storm.

  9. Thank you Caleb! I love hearing how God is inspiring you even through the pain and anguish. You are so awesome to ALREADY engage so much in the "fight of faith." It's a path many before us have fought, and are now cheering you on from heaven! You go boy!! One more scripture at a time, one more panic/fear attack at a time. I am right there with you :).

    2 Corinthians is the book God has spoken to me the most through as well :). Can't wait to sit around and share inspiration sometime. And one day soon, we'll have all the time in the world to recount these stories of His awesome, amazing power to help us. Til that day!!!

  10. Just saw this post and thought of you three. Praying for you!


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