Blindsided

Blindsided: "to catch someone unprepared; to be attack from an unexpected position"

("It's not about what you have in life, but who you have in your lives that really matter")

We entered the UW Hospital this morning with an ample amount of anxiousness. The "firsts" of anything proves to be fairly unnerving when dealing in the realm of cancer. After a lovely run in with one of my favorite AFCH nurses (picture above), we entered our radiation consult room to prepare for my first radiation treatment.

Blindsided

It is a feeling that takes your breath away; that leaves one motionless and quiet. A feeling that makes one pinch themselves to confirm reality.

Today we found that the Ewing's has also spread to my lymph nodes. 

As I sit here and ponder how to adequately explain this, I find my mind racing. Cancer is very multi-faceted. Nothing is simple within this battlefield- everything is complex. I wish that this draining feeling would stop. That the barrage of new issues would cease. I just want the war to be over, the pain to be gone, and normality restored.

This  war is far from over. The demoralizing issues continue to come, whether I am prepared or not. These are moments where one either succumbs to the overwhelming situations, or turns the tables to see the glorious grace that is hidden beneath.  

So where does treatment go from here? 

Nothing changes. I am currently receiving the most amount of chemo that is used to take this cancer out. If I had one tumor- or ten, the chemotherapy treatment plan wouldn't change.

  

Radiation, however, is a different story.

Though the cancerous nodules in my lungs resolved, we will have to still radiate. The radiation field is quite large. Because this is a one time deal, the plan is to be as aggressive as possible. I will be receiving the maximum dosage allowed over the course of 40 radiation treatments. (2 months) Radiation treatment alone is not too terrible- the side effects are the nightmare. With the amount, field size, and potency of this radiation- the chances for lung scarring, throat issues, and other sizable problems is almost certain. Please pray that these would be minimized. I don't care to describe the pages of side effects, but when your doctor talks about "possible oxygen for life"- it leaves a mark. Trust me, I understand many of the side effects are rare. I just realize that the burning in my feet were also an "extremely rare" side effect. I seem to have a knack for falling victim to such side effects. 

I still feel breathless,

I still want this to be over,

I still want to wake up from this nightmare,

I still want a normal life- 

yet the Creator of this universe has chosen me for this war. He has chose me for this path, and He has equipped me with my incredible family, friends, and support.

Thank you for your love and prayers.

Much love,

Caleb

(A very kind but random kid gave this to me. . . Love straight from her heart)