"Cancer Difficulties: In Me" by Me

What is the most difficult part of cancer?

This seems to be my most frequently asked question (and often one that I wondered) before I entered this new world. Before I break it down, I have to disclaim and inform you all of an important fact: this is me. I can’t speak for others who have had cancer, but now I can certainly relate. Every cancer is different and difficult in many ways. 

So what are the hardest things about cancer?

It’s evil.

Both my younger siblings and I have lived for five years with a deadly and serious disease- Type One Diabetes. T1D doesn’t play by the rules. It ruins days, ruins weeks, ruins plans and wrecks havoc on normal life.

Cancer is different.

 Cancer attacks the body and mind with an evil vengeance. . . At times it makes one doubt their will to live. It cripples the soul and works to drag one’s focus onto the ominous task of surviving. Cancer thrives on the fear of the unknown - the opportunities that could arise at any moment. Hence, I think I can easily state it’s apparent evilness.

It’s selfish.

I used to have an incredibly focused and driven life.

Fueled by my ambitions of becoming a pediatric nurse, my days were carefully structured and managed to raise grades and become the best nursing student possible.

Then I was blindsided by my cancer.

College stopped completely as new tests, surgeries, and appointments filled my agenda. With only two weeks two go in the semester, I was completely stripped of my opportunity to finish strong. My ambitions and dreams have come to a stand still, and now I have at least two years of fighting. With a year of chemo/ radiation/ surgery/stem cell transplant, and then the process of removing/rebuilding my entire shoulder blade - happiness and hope are easily fogged out by the darkness that is my cancer.

My emotions are easily shaken by the longing for normal life of one day being a pediatric nurse! The simplicity of helping others without the dark reality of living just to “beat the odds”.

It’s powerful.

The sickness that I feel isn’t comparable to anything in life that I had experienced. I assume it is this way because our bodies are never meant to be this sick. Chemo kills the cancer, yet it feels like it’s killing me at the same time. Both the cancer and the chemo are working to destroy.
It’s a deadly duo.
 All this with the lovely combination of Type One Diabetes. Any T1D knows the comforting sickness that high blood sugars entail. Well, combine that with the BG-spiking chemo and we have a combination that will really send one for a ride! Yet even diabetes has a hard time topping the lovely side effects of chemotherapy - so far.

My reality.

So there it is. Up above I have detailed the side of this disease I usually don’t describe: the harsh, demanding, selfish battle with cancer that seems to strip me of so much!

Even as I type this out, my head begins to spin. Emotions begin to flood my heart and thoughts of the hardships ahead make me yearn for a normal life.

But first of all, this is all momentary. I can do two years. I can handle a month in the hospital in complete isolation because that means I can beat this cancer! I can do a year of chemotherapy because that means I can beat sickening statistics! I can do momentary.

Second of all, yes, cancer appears to be robbing me of everything I dream about and love. Cancer can take my normal life away. It can destroy even the normalcy of feeling physically well. But it can’t take away my core! Though at times I don’t feel like myself, I have an incredible support team, family, and God. Cancer can’t touch that.

Finally, the most significant question that people are asking me, and that I have wondered myself, is why God allows cancer and other trials in our lives. This is a very important question, and I want to lay it out somewhere other than the end of this post. Within the next few weeks, I’’ll actually add a tab called “Why Hope?” permanently on the blog. That will provide a great way to share with you the significance of what God is doing in my life right now.